Three patron relics, one (1) soul, and a complimentary plastic halo that only sort of glows in the dark.
I bought four. One for each direction the Rapture might come from.
Testimony
The Salvation Bundle
July 10, 2026✦≈ 1 minute of your mortal time✦preached by Patron Wanda
✝ ✦ $ ✶ ✝ ✦ $ ✶ ✝ ✦ $ ✶ ✝ ✦ $ ✶ ✝ ✦ $ ✶ ✝ ✦ $ ✶ ✝ ✦ $ ✶ ✝ ✦ $ ✶ ✝ ✦ $ ✶ ✝ ✦ $ ✶ ✝ ✦ $ ✶ ✝ ✦ $ ✶ ✝ ✦ $ ✶ ✝ ✦ $ ✶ ✝ ✦ $ ✶ ✝ ✦ $ ✶
Things I can't stand
Seed Faith, Harvest Debt — The Illuminated Tract
The sermon as a print-blessed broadsheet. Suitable for framing, forwarding, and thy dentist’s waiting room.
40
🔒
Seed Faith, Harvest Debt — The Spoken Version
23-ish minutes of righteous volume. For commutes, chores, and spiritual multitasking.
45
🔒
“No Soliciting, Including Salvation” Doormat
Woven from recycled pledge cards. Surprisingly absorbent, like the promises.
220
🔒
“Seed Money” Decorative Envelope — Empty, As Intended
Plant nothing. Harvest nothing. Break even — the honest prosperity.
90
🔒
The glow is doctrinally sufficient.