✝ Free indulgence with your first tithe ✝ Ascension shipping in 2–4 business millennia ✝ Repent responsibly ✝ New relics just dropped ✝ Salvation not guaranteed, tees are ✝ ✝ Free indulgence with your first tithe ✝ Ascension shipping in 2–4 business millennia ✝ Repent responsibly ✝ New relics just dropped ✝ Salvation not guaranteed, tees are ✝
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Four things we’re pretty sure about
The Doctrine
A complete theology that fits on a bumper sticker and ships in three business days. No footnotes, no fine print, no talking to God directly (he’s swamped).
01
No Guilt
We rendered out the guilt entirely. It was making the whole religion taste like your mother.
02
No Refunds
Salvation is final; so is checkout. The Lord giveth, the returns portal taketh not.
03
No Real Deity
Ethically sourced superstition. No actual gods were consulted, harmed, or paid royalties.
04
Judgment-Free
Except Sundays. And the very last one. Otherwise? Vibes only, beloved.
Thy plate is empty
A soul without relics is just a soul. Pass the plate — fill it immediately.
