No Guilt
We rendered out the guilt entirely. It was making the whole religion taste like your mother.
Est. last Tuesday · Non-prophet · 501(c)(¬3)
The church that makes other religions insecure.
Founded on a dare, powered by merch. A fully-featured belief system with no downloads, no deities, and a return policy so final we call it Judgment. Believe whatever — just look incredible doing it.
Relic 01/01
Four things we’re pretty sure about
The Doctrine
A complete theology that fits on a bumper sticker and ships in three business days. No footnotes, no fine print, no talking to God directly (he’s swamped).
No Refunds
Salvation is final; so is checkout. The Lord giveth, the returns portal taketh not.
No Real Deity
Ethically sourced superstition. No actual gods were consulted, harmed, or paid royalties.
Judgment-Free
Except Sundays. And the very last one. Otherwise? Vibes only, beloved.
Pick a guy, any guy
Choose your savior
Three patron figures, freshly printed on premium cotton. Devotion optional. Sizing runs true; enlightenment runs large.
The sermon in three movements
How to join
Scroll ↓ or ←→
01
Repent
Admit the algorithm was right about you the whole time. Feel appropriately bad about it — but keep it under a minute, we run a lean operation and the incense is expensive.
Enter the confessional →02
Subscribe
Salvation is now a monthly covenant. Cancel anytime; spiritually, you cannot. First indulgence is on the house and auto-renews for all eternity, which is our favorite billing cycle.
Seal a covenant →03
Ascend
Receive your tee. Achieve enlightenment. Post the fit with the sacred hashtag. Touching grass remains optional but is, per our lawyers, “probably still a good idea.”
Claim your relic →
Blessed be the checkout
The Gift Shop
Every purchase funds exactly zero (0) charitable causes and one (1) very good typeface. Wear your beliefs; they photograph well.
Seed Faith, Harvest Debt — The Illuminated Tract
The sermon as a print-blessed broadsheet. Suitable for framing, forwarding, and thy dentist’s waiting room.
Seed Faith, Harvest Debt — The Spoken Version
23-ish minutes of righteous volume. For commutes, chores, and spiritual multitasking.
“No Soliciting, Including Salvation” Doormat
Woven from recycled pledge cards. Surprisingly absorbent, like the promises.
“Seed Money” Decorative Envelope — Empty, As Intended
Plant nothing. Harvest nothing. Break even — the honest prosperity.
Mercury Is in Gatorade Again — The Illuminated Tract
The sermon as a print-blessed broadsheet. Suitable for framing, forwarding, and thy dentist’s waiting room.
Mercury Is in Gatorade Again — The Spoken Version
23-ish minutes of righteous volume. For commutes, chores, and spiritual multitasking.
Come as you are, leave with merch
Gatherings
SAT13:00
Revival & Yard Sale
Full-tent revival immediately followed by aggressive haggling over gently-used relics. Speaking in tongues encouraged at the register.
WED23:59
Midnight Merch Vigil
We light one candle every time a hoodie restocks. Bring a lighter and a credit card you don’t respect.
SUN09:00
Doomscroll Services
Group scrolling in reverent silence until somebody, anybody, feels a single emotion. Communion crackers provided.
Limited indulgence
The Salvation
The Salvation
Bundle
Three patron relics, one (1) soul, and a complimentary plastic halo that only sort of glows in the dark. Enough grace to survive brunch.
$89.00
$102.00 save 13 sins
Bundle my sins +
Forgive them, for they have posted
Confessions of the Converted
“
"When in doubt, sit it out. Especially when you're on a cliff, and they tell you you can fly."
bob_sucks · Hates Cliffs
“
Came for the memes, stayed because checkout was already done.
@lapsed_larry · Ascended Tuesday
“
Finally, a faith with kerning this immaculate.
Design Twitter · Reluctant Convert
“
My tithe cleared instantly. Truly, a miracle.
Brenda P. · Formerly of three faiths
“
I have no soul left but the hoodie is unbelievably soft.
@voidpilled · Fully Enshrined
“
10 out of 10, would repent again. It hits different each time.
Greg from Ohio · Serial Repenter
“
They took my doubts and my money. Mostly the money.
@ex_everything · At Peace-ish
“
"When in doubt, sit it out. Especially when you're on a cliff, and they tell you you can fly."
bob_sucks · Hates Cliffs
“
Came for the memes, stayed because checkout was already done.
@lapsed_larry · Ascended Tuesday
“
Finally, a faith with kerning this immaculate.
Design Twitter · Reluctant Convert
“
My tithe cleared instantly. Truly, a miracle.
Brenda P. · Formerly of three faiths
“
I have no soul left but the hoodie is unbelievably soft.
@voidpilled · Fully Enshrined
“
10 out of 10, would repent again. It hits different each time.
Greg from Ohio · Serial Repenter
“
They took my doubts and my money. Mostly the money.
@ex_everything · At Peace-ish
“
"When in doubt, sit it out. Especially when you're on a cliff, and they tell you you can fly."
bob_sucks · Hates Cliffs
“
Came for the memes, stayed because checkout was already done.
@lapsed_larry · Ascended Tuesday
“
Finally, a faith with kerning this immaculate.
Design Twitter · Reluctant Convert
“
My tithe cleared instantly. Truly, a miracle.
Brenda P. · Formerly of three faiths
“
I have no soul left but the hoodie is unbelievably soft.
@voidpilled · Fully Enshrined
“
10 out of 10, would repent again. It hits different each time.
Greg from Ohio · Serial Repenter
“
They took my doubts and my money. Mostly the money.
@ex_everything · At Peace-ish
“
"When in doubt, sit it out. Especially when you're on a cliff, and they tell you you can fly."
bob_sucks · Hates Cliffs
“
Came for the memes, stayed because checkout was already done.
@lapsed_larry · Ascended Tuesday
“
Finally, a faith with kerning this immaculate.
Design Twitter · Reluctant Convert
“
My tithe cleared instantly. Truly, a miracle.
Brenda P. · Formerly of three faiths
“
I have no soul left but the hoodie is unbelievably soft.
@voidpilled · Fully Enshrined
“
10 out of 10, would repent again. It hits different each time.
Greg from Ohio · Serial Repenter
“
They took my doubts and my money. Mostly the money.
@ex_everything · At Peace-ish
