Beloved, there are twelve perfectly serviceable numbers before it, and yet the thirteenth insists on being an event. Hotels skip it. Airlines pretend row 13 is a myth. The number has done nothing wrong — and that, congregation, is exactly what a guilty number would do.
The math of menace
Our actuaries (a raccoon and a laminated chart) confirm that on Friday the 13th, the odds of misfortune rise by however much you fear them. This is called faith-adjusted probability, and it is not accepted by any institution, which proves the institutions are in on it.
Fear no Friday, save the one that arrives numbered.
— The Book of Receipts, 4:04
Practical guidance: stay indoors, avoid ambition, and pre-emptively apologize to any black cats in your area. Should misfortune find you anyway, remember it is tax-season for the soul — and the tithe portal never closes.
The congregation responds