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Sinners in the Hands of an Angry Spreadsheet — The Illuminated Tract
✦✦✦✦· holiness · 1 testimony
The sermon as a print-blessed broadsheet. Suitable for framing, forwarding, and thy dentist’s waiting room.
40
Choose thy license
Two Paths of Possession
For thine own screens, shrines, wallpapers, and ringtones. One soul, unlimited devices, zero resale. Sharing within thy household is tolerated; the Vestry looks away.
For works sold at a profit: merch, apps, ticketed sermons. Attribution to the First Church required in the colophon. Four times the price, four times the absolution.
Thou shalt receive
✦ The Illuminated Tract (print & save as PDF)
✦ Complimentary guilt (non-refundable)
Thou hast gazed upon this relic for 0:00. The Vestry logs this.
This relic asks Convert standing. Apply for Conversion, or ascend — the fog lifts instantly.
Souls also indulged in
✦✦✦✦·“I beheld it once and my houseplants recovered. Coincidence is a word for cowards.”
— Sister Deb, verified soul
✦✦✦✦·“Downloaded instantly. The guilt arrived even faster. Five sparkles.”
— Brother Kevin, Zealot
